Find me pages

Find me pages,

And love poems,

Read me words,

And written fate. 

Maybe I'll live again..

Give me reasons, to stay,

I'm about stand and walk away,

But every step,

Hurts a little more. 

If you give me pain,

I'll write again..

In my heart,

I'll scratch again and maybe,

This time I'll bleed. 

Stillness and falseness.

So today was the 3rd of August, wasn't it?

Yes, so it just another day, and I did everything I do, almost every other day.

I was breathing, I ate, and I felt fat.
I walked out on an argument, I won one, and I lost all the rest.
It was just another day, but everything felt different,
There was stillness everywhere, before I walked into the Gym..
Into the burst of adrenaline, familiar faces, and my trainer staring right at me,
He eyes read "Shoulders? Chest? Bi and tri? Back or Legs? What is it today son?"
But I motioned to him, with my goggles, that I'd swim this one out.

Although there were screams, and shouts, of everyone I've broken cells with, running that extra mile, figuratively, I heard nothing.

I changed into my swimming shorts whilst greeting those familiar faces again, in the changing room,
Talking of things unheard by me.

I was still engulfed in this silence I was trying to figure out.

I was scared as I shelter an ear problem, I was worried.
But I could listen to each and every word, I just couldn't hear it...

With these thoughts brushed off, I walked out into the open,
Next to the swimming pool, with the humid air that blew by, over the still water.

Yes, the swimming pool was still, there was no one, but soon that changed.

I jumped in, and I swam around for a while, then I heard it,
What this silence was all about, I heard my heart pounding,
My paused, and my limbs froze, I was in the middle of the pool, at the deep end and I saw the water pound,
And I could feel my pulse deep in my brain, more and more as I tried to pin point where it came from,

I closed my eyes and I tried to breathe, inside the water, yes, I tried breathing.
I was probably choking by now but my mind and my heart was in my heartbeat,
I kept trying to feel it, with my arms stretched out, trying to reach for something,
That could take me where I want to be,
And then I felt it fade, my eyes shot open,
This was my heartbeat, I had found it, and it was fading, slowing down.
It was inside me, and so was the water right now,
And this chlorinated water was winning, as I felt, heard and even saw my heartbeat fade,
With everything inside me burning, there was no more stillness,
There was no more confusion.
Everything started moving again, I saw people jump into the pool, I felt waves from their hands fogging my goggles,
And I felt someone hand pulling me outside,
I remember vomiting out the water, and breathing again, the air this time,
And there it was again, the stillness,
No sign of life, just stillness.

The Lucky One ~ Always the other.

We will all have our days,
We'll fall and stand up,
We will fall, and THEN stand up,
We'll stay tall, until skies fall down,
Crouch and jump, we'll be alive,
We'll bend but we WILL be alive,
We'll smile but alone, we'll cry.
We all will have that day,
When the heart drops,
It'll beat still, but it'll drop floors,
Of our deep chambers of secrets,
From our chest to our gut,
We'll be sick but we WILL smile.


And there will be some of us,
Some lucky ones, that are born short,
Of all the miseries,
To never have to bend,
Or be noticed if they're gloomy or glee,
If mended or broken,
Held together by themselves,
With smiles and lies,
Or just a few stitches,
And they can fall and crawl,
Wear label-less labels,
And talk of things never heard of,
They'll never be judged,
And these few people,
They will call us the lucky one.

The Time Capsule.

Press that red button,
And confess,
Hold your secrets,
Across the rooms for the whole world to see,
Speak out loud all the things inside,
If 50 years from now,
They open this capsule,
And you still breathe,
Will you believe?
The words that left your lips,
Will you cry?

Smile and look away,
When they speak of the dark room,
Bantered with secrets and tears,
And they nudge and question,
Raise eye brows,
To skip this 50 years,
And laugh at every word,
50 years from now,
You'll cry to.

Press that red button once again,
And erase with lies,
Fake smiles,
All your confessions from last night,
The truth about life, for every body,
Out there, listening, 50 years from today,
When they turn this capsule,
Erase the truth, let them suffer,
Don't stray them from love,
Don't stray them from hurt,
Betrayal and heartbreaks,
Let them feel this too,
Here what you feel in this room,
Bantered with secrets and tears,
You care enough to stay up nights,
And remember these words,
Wonder with clouds passing by,
Of their eyes, of their thoughts,
Will they change?
Do you want them to change?
If 50 years from now,
They open this capsule,
And you're still breathing,
Would you want them to know,
All that you found out,
With scars and stabs,
The words that left your lips.
Will they make you cry?

Window of time.

Miles may be plenty, for us its a window,
The distance that separates us all,
A few words that bring us closer,
A few places that we remember,
In darkness when the stars shine,
Like our dark moments,
We glow for the other,
When things get hard,
We bare our shoulders,
For all tears, and all the weights,
When things fall apart,
We find shovels and stitches,
Together we're all singing,
Until there is just this window,
The distance that seperates us,
Is a window of time,
A clock of misery,
With closed eyes, let there be none,
No memory to lose, no regret to feel,
When you blink right now,
Forget the hatred, as you read these words,
Remember love.
When you fly tonight,
If it feels dark, count stars,
Remember us,
We'll still be here, across the window of time,
A few hours separate us,
With a few words, let there be none.

Without you.

I stand here, on this bridge,
Crossing over to my sanity,
On me, I have a letter,
A tumbler, a picture cut in half,
I see you smiling at me,
With me, the other half, somewhere I threw,
Here at the edge,
I'll take a leap of faith tonight,
With the ashes of my memories,
Blowing off the lid,
I'll let go of your smiling face,
Rolled and dipped in memories of you,
Folded in a few words I've written for you,
If you ever stumble upon,
I want to thank you,
For all the scars and wounds,
For hurting me until I couldn't feel again,
Thank you for making me me,
And the long nights,
They've taught me patience,
Wanting all I ever did,
Has taught me life,
Given me hints of all the misery there can be,
Maybe someday I will be whole again,
Maybe with all I want,
Maybe with all I will need,
But someday, I know someday,
Without you, I'll be complete.

I close my eyes,
I turn around,
I know I haven't yet,
But I'm walking towards my sanity,
I know I'm not sane yet,
But I'm walking there.
I'll be there soon,
Without you.

Writing Pages

I'm sitting here writing pages,
They rest under my sheets,
Scribbling and printing every moment of every day,
Every word we said, I'm writing here.
How your pain pains me,
How you turn my days bright and warm,
All the little fragments, I know I'll forget.
All these little moments, I know I want to remember,
Sitting across you, I can see you weep,
This, I want to remember,
I apologise if I'm absent minded,
Right now, I'm assuring a memory,
I will sing to you, these pages,
This pain, will bring us closer,
I will read you all your words,
And wipe your tears of regret,
Of all the hate and the wait.
I am writing this, here right now,
To remind you of all the sorrow,
The dark nights, starless, gloomy.
Sitting across you,
I can feel you tumble,
I am writing here, right now,
Confessing to you, what I cannot,
Here with you, I cannot speak.
I cannot tell you, how I've jumped over,
Ducked under this table,
Travelled over and held you tight,
I've wiped your tears and set you right,
Look at me, I'm facing away,
Right now, I'm sitting across my weakness,
Somewhere when I read this to you,
I hope you forgive me,
For my absent mindedness.
I hope you remember I only did this,
Wishing on your falling tears,
More sacred than the shooting stars,
Wishing for your pain that pains me so much,
To remember this memory,
And read it to you.
Someday I will show you the best in you,
Someday when we confess,
Coming together with your pain,
I will hold your hand,
Uncover your eyes,
Of all the hurt and the blame,
All the scars you've been named for,
Let us travel the world,
Bring the pieces of your broken heart,
If you give me your hand,
I will mend you and give you love.
If you give me your love,
I will make promises, and keep you safe.
Give me your fears,
And together, we will be scared.
Give me your dreams,
And together, we will wish.
Give me everything.
I promise, I'll give you more.