Faces i see in the crowds bother me, Smiling like everything's perfect. I hate it when they let you see all the sugar coated part of them. Well i am one of them. You don't know anything about me from the face i've been making, For the past while, its impossible to tell who i exactly am. The reality behind the smiles i make. The truth behind the word i say. I lies i spit. Inside i'm dieing, trying to pull myself together for this jumpy road. Pulling myself together to not be bothered by a couple of strangers asking me why i have this face that i do. Well thats me so live with it and move on. But thats never an answer, thats not what you say to people who try to care. But then again, i'm perfectly fine. I told you didn't i? Well anyways. Its not what it could have been. Its what you did, the lie. Whether it was yours or mine. Although i know i for one, am sorry. And i've never been able to tell you that. Well this just sucks. Tell me whats this desperation? Why is it that whenever i recall my days, all i see is your face. The tear that leaves my eyes makes me smile. Why is it that everytime i promise myself to never go back into that vacuum. That vacuum i feel whenever i get into deep thought about you. Feels like the world arounds on mute. And all i hear is a screetching noise like nails on a blackboard. I wince and then get back to reality. When will i finally let this suffering go? When will i finally be able to smile without faking it. When will i be able to laugh like i actually laugh. When will i be able to live like i used too. Although without you. When will i finally be me again? Picture me writing this in a silent room, dark and humid. Want to be me? Trust me you don't. Want to feel this? I hope you don't. I can feel my heartbeat punishing my skin. Almost trying to rip out and shred my life into pieces. I'll hope for the best. We'll see. I always say.... ' Screw the past. Hope for a better tomorrow. Live in the moment. ' GOD! I'm such a hypicrite. Lets see, my past - Erm well lets say it has sucked!! My future - I see emo. My present - How about we change the topic yeah? Its just that, sometimes all you need to be is alone. Some say you just say you need to be alone but what you want is attention. But why is it that at times like those when i see someone approaching, i hallucinate my murder with a knife dripping off blood. Why is it that when i cry, i feel nothing. All i know is that my eyes are leaking. I wipe them away but they keep coming. Like an hour glass rotated before time. I guess its just what i have to go through till i find my antidote. Antidote to this pain i relive over and over. Some strangers become familiar, to friends, betrayers. Then finally comes a hate list. Always thanked god for what i had. Never complained. Never made faces. I accept. I don't fuss. Why me? I have not wished bad for you. I have not hurt you intentionally. Why me? But then again, life comes with no handbook. Or a set of instructions. Its like a bunch of untamed animals left in a cage. Barking and screetching for freedom. Everyone wants to be the brad pitt. No one wants to die. Everyone feels the need to be powerful. No one wants to be the minority. Be me for a day. Feel what i feel. See this world through my eyes. Hear my thoughts. Live in my personal hell. Sometimes i feel so low, i dont feel anything at all. My pillow holds me down at night. Closed eyes restrict my tears. My eyes grow red out of depression. Under eyes black out of insomnia. Bloods another liquid. Tears like the tap. The thought is my key. To the internal misery. As you read this youre thinking ' oh cmon it couldn't be that bad ' oh well. What can i say? I didn't plan for it to be like this. Now lets just hush for the while and hope everythings gonna be alright. Each one of you have felt this. Sometime. Somewhere. You did. You felt like picking up a glock and pop. You heard arguments and felt like shutting them up. Glock and pop? Too young to understand still had to witness shit. All you sometimes want is to make em proud. All youfeel sometimes is the need to win. Some recognition but you dont work that way? Join the club. They made promises. They smiled and held your hand, told you they loved you and you'd be over this 'phase'. Do you remember the promises you made? You dont remember for the moment but it dents my trust on you, forever and here we go again. Things dont make sense. Life sucks. Thats for you to decide. No?
09-Aug-2010 1:38 am.
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